The Great Roman Odyssey of Dairy And Disgust
(This is inspired by a snippet I read about how in Southern and Central Italy, olive oil was used even in desserts. Romans were so used to this, that even Julius Caesar himself was absolutely disgusted when he tried butter for the first time. I cannot watch a cookery video the same way anymore)
THE ATRIUM
NICOLA is in the middle of teaching a young CAIUS OCTAVIUS Greek poetry. Whilst paying attention to his lesson, the young boy indulges in a slice of bread, with his favourite figs.
Nicola: Since we completed “The Iliad” last week, today we’re going to move on to Homer’s next epic, “The Odyssey”.
Octavius: Yay!
Nicola: You know little one, I’ve heard of people skipping the Iliad, and starting off directly with the Odyssey. And though it is their choice, I can’t help but think of how confounded they would be!
Octavius: How can you read Homer without knowing about the brave Achilles, and the noble Hector! Oh and Ajax, Agamemnon, Nestor, Priam, Paris, and Helen of Troy! And Aeneas, someone should write a whole book on him!
Nicola: Don’t forget Patroclus! But that is for readers to worry about when nothing makes sense. We however, are aware of the context.
Octavius: Even though you spend thirty minutes on one page, trying to remember everyone’s names.
This moment of banter is interrupted by the sound of footsteps.
Enter CAIUS JULIUS CAESAR, fully dressed in his Toga Praetexta, fringe precisely combed forward, striding into the room with a charisma that could (and did) command legions. He has come to visit his precocious grand-nephew, and fortunately just in time to witness the sass. Though interested in Octavius, he seems to be in a hurry to work on something. He grabs a piece of bread placed on the table, before he gets started with his day’s tasks.
Nicola’s eyes are glowing. Little does he know that it’s mischief which her eyes are glinting with.
The moment he takes a bite, the expression on his face changes from mellow to nothing short of insulted.
His brows furrow. He clenches his jaw.
Nicola lets out an involuntary giggle. Little Octavius, who was initially intimidated by his grand-uncle’s stern expression giggles along with her.
Caesar (stares at Nicola): So… this is your doing…
Nicole just smiles, her conspiracy having been successfully executed.
Octavius: Nicola, why isn’t he eating his bread? You tell me I have to eat my bread because I need carbs to become a strong boy!
Caesar: Listen, boy. I refuse to eat bread smothered with that greasy, overindulgent, and above all – barbarian bovine grease!
Nicola (beaming): I’ve never seen you so repulsed by anything, Caius. Your face! Absolutely priceless
Octavius (still giggling): Uncle, it’s just butter! You’re being as funny as your friend Antonius. And everyone laughs at Antonius!
Caesar: Boy, my condemnation of this malicious creation is far from amusing. Also, Antonius is one of my most trusted, albeit eccentric allies.
Contrary to Caesar’s intention, this makes Octavius laugh even more.
Nicola: Oh please, Caesar! You’re being as petty as those Optimates who think that me doing trigonometry is a “transgression of feminine virtue”.
Caesar: It is beyond my powers of comprehension how you tolerate, let alone ‘enjoy’ (he shudders)… butter
And you Nicola, who is now on a pescatarian diet because it helps you get ‘lean muscle’, relishes in literal solid fat? The heights of hypocrisy!
Nicola: Well, I need my share of fats too, like any healthy Roman woman.
Caesar: I don’t have any rivalry with fat. I’m merely repulsed by this barbarian concoction. I remember the first day I tried a dessert made with that Gallic cow salve, in Northern Italy. I had to maintain a straight face to conceal my pure repudiation. Why not just use olive oil? Light, elegant and civilized.
Nicola: Oh, I see… You don’t like butter because it has saturated fat! But you’re perfectly fine with the monosaturated fatty acids in olive oil.
Caesar: That sounds like something recited from a textbook. And no, it is a matter of…
Nicola: By Jove! Does somebody care about his arteries now? Has the great Julius realized that he’s aging?
Caesar: Only because I am faced with the threat of this turning into an interdisciplinary science lecture, am I accepting my defeat.
Nicola: Victory! But I am yearning to know, what’s your verdict on coconut oil?
Caesar: From an ocean palm? With ninety per-cent saturated fat? Not again…(he sighs)
Nicola: Actually…
Caesar: Go back to your Odyssey now.
FINIS
